Why I stopped doing 'Self-Care' (for my High-Functioning Anxiety) and Why You Should Too

I remember the night I realized self-care wasn’t working for me. I had done all the things...my nails were fresh, my skin was scrubbed and glowing from massage oils, and the scented candle created a blissful glow on the journal in front of me...

And yet, there I was, mind racing, writing circles around myself in that pretty candle-lit journal.

I wasn’t relaxed. I wasn't at ease. I wasn’t at peace.

That’s when I started a conversation with myself...yes...Vernice (me) and Dr. V (me) had a chat.

The way self-care is 'sold' to us, especially high achievers, is fake...that's loaded and of course nuanced, but let me explain.

The problem wasn’t that I didn’t have a self-care routine. It was that self-care, as it’s been packaged, didn’t get to the root of my stress or anxiety. It only skimmed the surface, by addressing just the symptoms.

I was a self-care queen, but what I realized was that I wasn't taking care of myself, not truly.

Why 'Self-Care' Didn’t Work for Me

You’ve probably heard that self-care is the solution to burnout and stress. People love to suggest it when they see someone stressed out..."Just take a break.""Go get a massage.""Try journaling."

But it didn’t help me because my stress and anxiety weren’t just about needing a break, or to relax. They were about something deeper...as it is for most of us (even if you don't have anxiety)

For me, it's High-functioning anxiety, which isn’t just stress. It’s the invisible pressure to always be "on." It’s overthinking every decision, saying yes when you should say no, and feeling like you have to prove your worth through achievement.

Self-care, as it’s commonly packaged, doesn’t actually solve problems like those...or any problems for that matter.

I've gotten into several heated conversations for saying what I'm about to say but, here goes: Self-Care is NOT Mental Health Care

Self-care soothes the symptoms of stress and anxiety while the real issue goes completely unaddressed.

And that's why it doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Traditional Therapy is the ONLY way. I am saying that I needed to adjust the way I looked at, approached and experienced Self Care.

And, you should too, if you want your routines be more impactful and more meaningful.

What Actually Helped Me

That night, staring at my tear stained and illegible handwriting in my journal, I realized self-care wasn't about doing the "things." It wasn’t about adding an 'everything' shower to my to-do list, spending an hour at the gym, or forcing myself to meditate while my brain sprinted at full speed.

I needed to change my relationship with myself, my relationship with stress, and create a real Self-Recovery Plan.

What I did?

I stopped focusing on self-care as an activity and started treating it as a mindset shift.

Instead of piling on surface-level solutions, I redefined what balance and sustainability actually look like for me, so that I could finally start Care-ing for my-Self.

Ok...inhale...that was a lot in a single sentence, and it took me a while to get to that...exhale...

That meant dealing with my stressors instead of just managing them. Equipping myself with the strategies and tools to function differently and better, not just good-enough to fight the next fire.

Self-care (as we know it) helps manage the symptoms of stress, but it doesn't solve them.

Once I understood that, then it was easier to put less pressure on the DOING of self care and more about Caring for Myself. It was so much easier to really lean in.

**Here's something to think about...

There’s a fine line between self-care being helpful and it becoming another form of stress.

I know!!! Whatttt....Howww you ask?

If you’ve ever felt like you need your self-care routine to function, or worse, you feel anxious when you can’t do it. That’s a sign that something’s off.

A sign that ultimately means that your self-care isn’t actually working for you.

Stress and Anxiety isn’t solved by spa days, on the elliptical, or in the Pilates class, it’s solved by learning how to be with yourself, not just do for yourself.

If you're wondering how to stop with the self-care routines and lean in so they become MORE helpful, and target REAL issues.

Let’s talk.

Because honestly, you don’t need another candle, or glass of wine (well, that's negotiable)

You need a way to stop running, stop chasing your own mind.

And I can help you find that way.

Let's Talk

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